Unit 4 of my first class at college culminated in an essay assignment. There is a chart listing several characteristics of a successful student, with the opposing statements for what would make an unsuccessful student. I was to identify which (good) characteristics I already possessed and which ones I need to improve on. The minimum was 10 sentences! Oh well, I've never been good at condensing my own thoughts.
Beginning an essay is always the most difficult part for me. I usually create a piece completely in my head before ever putting it in writing. This made me realize that I could use some work on having a plan of action. I have written many things in my head that never made it to paper, things that might have been very inspiring and given me a sense of accomplishment. I guess you could say that I consistently plan effective actions, but don't make the time to effectively execute them.
The first characteristic of a successful student that I feel I already have would be a very strong self-awareness. I had been identified by the Myers Briggs test as INFJ and then years later as ISFP. I will always be an introverted and feeling person, but find that I vacillate between trusting my intuition and sensing the truth. I have considered my common sense a positive characteristic in the work place, while being able to empathize has helped me to be a fair and caring supervisor.
I am personally responsible - I know that while I can't always control life changes, it is my response to them that really matters. I had a job that I loved for 21 years. I started with no college education and was given the opportunity to grow and learn. I was pushed outside of my comfort zone many times and even pushed myself when I knew it was necessary. When given the option to stay as a part-time employee or take a severance package and leave, my first instinct was to take the safe option. I dug in my heels and thought I would stay. With a week to decide what to do I realized that I was feeling like a victim. I couldn't remain a victim so I chose to leave. It has been seven months now and I still feel grief. I miss my daily schedule, I miss my friends and I miss feeling like what I did every day really mattered. It was my choice to leave. I would have preferred to not have to make that choice but I can see now that it is opening up many opportunities for me. I am now going to continue to be a life-long learner. I always wanted to go back to school.
I am chronologically mature! Does that mean I am always emotionally mature? I think so. I have dealt with situational depression during my life. When I was in a dysfunctional marriage with an alcoholic husband I went to Al-Anon, I went to my pastor, I got private counseling and I took my children to Alateen. Once I had done all I could and things didn't improve, I took a loan on my 401k and got a divorce (at my children's urging). I had prayed for the "right" path and realized that free will was my answer. I chose to change my life and make the best of it. I do have peace of mind that even when I made poor decisions I have been able to learn from them.
Given the things I've written it may come as a surprise that I need to work on believing in myself. A Human Resources manager once told me that as a supervisor I needed to "exude confidence." I remember wondering at the time how I could fake confidence when I wasn't even sure how it felt to be confident. I was a good supervisor one-on-one, but felt intimidated in larger groups. I volunteered to go to training to become a Diversity Awareness facilitator. It was my way of pushing myself into unknown territory in order to gain confidence. I found that I enjoyed planning the weeklong sessions with 15-20 of my peers. I enjoyed opening up in order to help them do the same. I found that my own life lessons were of value when helping others to embrace difference. I had grown from a shy, naive housewife into someone I was proud of.
After the loss of my job in May I felt I had come full circle and had returned to the person who had no confidence and nothing to offer to any employer. After all, my skills were all learned at the newspaper. I used newspaper software, newspaper lingo; I had let my job define me. I was "Nancy from the Herald." People cared and tried to help, they tried to stay in touch and I retreated. I was not building mutually supportive relationships, but hiding away. I did a lot of crying. I have always felt though, that I am the best judge of what is right for me and I knew that once I figured it out I would be okay. I went to WorkSource and took the skill-building classes through CBC. I made three valid job searches each week for unemployment. I began to realize that better skills were not enough. I give myself credit for recognizing that once again I was depressed and I sought help. I am happy to say I am better now. I am now in a place where I feel capable of learning. Without the skill building classes I would not be able to move forward, I would not have known that I can be a good student.
The other area I could work on is finding a motivating purpose. Since I am in the Dislocated Worker program and the Worker Retraining program I am limited to the courses I can take. They have to be "in demand." I let this set me back last fall and left the orientation in tears. When I decided to enroll for winter quarter I was still not excited about the course choices so I sort of just rolled the dice for Business Administration. On paper this did not seem meaningful to me. I didn't feel that I was following my dream, but rather, choosing the only thing on the list that even remotely interested me.
You can probably tell that I am now feeling a little more motivated. I am sure you weren't expecting this mini novella. I love to write. While it is not always easy to come up with the opening line, it is often difficult for me to stop. There are so many thoughts I want to share. Writing is what motivates me. I consider this a good start to my new life path.
Thank you for the opportunity.
No comments:
Post a Comment