Doctor's orders.

I had a followup appointment with my doctor this morning. I was planning to tell her I wanted to get off of my newest medication.  Instead she upped the dosage. She called me Nance, which endeared her to me and I have to follow her advice.  So, I am going to try it a little longer but I really mean it this time - if this doesn't help it will be the last time I try this kind of treatment. I really thought I was doing better but the doctor asked me about counseling.  I told her I had gone fairly consistently from July up until September but stopped because I felt better.  At the end of the appointment she said that I should reconsider additional counseling because even though I was joking about things, it still sounded like negative self-talk.  I smiled until she left the room and then I felt myself starting to fall a little apart. I managed to pull myself together and get out to my car with no tears.  So, this is me just venting. I admit to having days where I don't want to leave the house. There are days when I can't get anything done.  Knowing that I have all day to do something allows me to only do the one thing that needs to be done.  I often wonder, what did I do all day?  I spin my wheels a lot.  I think about doing things but end up doing nothing.
Reading what I just wrote makes me wonder if there are 4 more ways that I can say the exact same thing. I try not to write when I don't have anything positive to write about - so now I need to think about the positive things in my life.  One reminder just jumped up and laid down next to me - Thomas.  He is such a comfort to me and really good company.  Meow.  Then there is Darrell - he is so good.  He never makes me feel like I need to do anything about my current situation.  I know he would like to see me happy in a new job and feeling better about myself but he never acts as if I am any less just because I no longer have a job.  He is my biggest fan.
Then there is Sophie - yes, the carpet-licking dog.  She is so loyal - a real constant in my life.  I have wonderful children and friends.  Now that brings me back to the negative self-talk.  I get what the doctor is saying, and my children, my friends and my husband all know that is what I do - I joke.   Sure, sometimes I am the butt of my own joke. I didn't think of it as negative but having it put to me so directly today made me realize that it is.  I am going to try to curb my need to put myself down in the sarcastic way that I do.  I can't promise I won't ever do it again because I know I have been at it for years and it will probably be hard to stop. Only my pets, Sophie and Thomas really know how I'm doing. They attend to me by showing their love and letting me know that they understand.
I guess a part of me would be fine to just sit at home each day with my pets, watching talk shows and eating candy - but that's just not healthy now, is it?