Speak a little louder dear, so Mrs. Beasley can hear you.

When I was 9 years old I wanted a Mrs. Beasley doll for Christmas. If you don't remember, Mrs. Beasley was a doll on the popular television show "Family Affair." She was owned by a cute little character named Buffy who was played by Anissa Jones, who sadly, died from a drug overdose. So, anyway, my mom saw my letter to Santa and set out to find me a Mrs. Beasley doll. There weren't many toys in Wilbur where I grew up. Mom tried the Sears catalog, the Penneys catalog and they were all out. Not one to give up easily, Mom called a hardware store at Coulee Dam that also sold toys. She asked the clerk "Do you have a Mrs. Beasley there?" The clerk replied, "Let me check for you." As mom waited on the phone she could hear in the background a page over the loud speaker - "Telephone call for a Mrs. Beasley?"
I did get the doll, although I am not sure where mom finally found her.

Tying Pooch to the porch.

There are stories that we tell - everyone in the family has heard them, but no one has written them down.
I had a dog named Fred. He was a stray I found one night and he "followed" me home. I let him in the house for awhile and then put him out before my parents got home. He greeted them at the door and my dad fell in love with the little guy. He really became dad's dog - always in dad's lap, going for rides with him in the pickup. Dad would even take him to the Billy Burger and buy him an ice cream cone. He would put it on the ground and Fred would lick it up. Fred could sit up longer than any dog I've ever seen since. My mom was a soda jerk. Not really, but I like to say that. She worked in a jewelry store that also had an old fashioned soda fountain. She knew all the goings on in town, as did everyone else who sat at the counter drinking coffee, home-made milkshakes, green river sodas, or any of the other tasty things you could get. Fred had followed mom to work one morning and he got hit by a car on main street. He was a little banged up but healed up nicely. Around the same time there was a fight in the local bar. The man who got the worst of it was named Pooch Vincent. I believe he was hospitalized. Not long after, a lady was at the soda counter and asked my mom "Hey, how's that Pooch that got hurt?" Mom replied, "Oh, he's doing okay, but I have to keep him chained to the porch so he won't leave home." (you know where this is going right?) The lady looked at my mom quizzically (like she was crazy) and said again "How is that Pooch who got beat up in the bar?" My mom started laughing and said "OH, he's fine, I thought you meant my dog!"

childhood memories?

For along time now I thought that I had few childhood memories. Lying in bed this morning I tried to remember and some things popped into my head. It is often hard to discern the difference between what I KNOW and what I truly REMEMBER. I know we lived in a small green house across the street from the school (and playground). I remember that there was a pretty wooden door and then a tiny enclosed porch with a screened door. I remember standing in front of the door, surrounded by a lot of tall people. I think it was when my cousins either returned from or were leaving for Australia. I would often sit on the couch looking out the window and watching kids play at recess when I was still too young for Kindergarten.  I was a little lonely because I was so shy, until Elece and Traci moved in next door. I knew they were there but hadn't met them. My sister Carol was out in our back yard sitting at the picnic table talking to them. I went to the back and opened the screen door to stick my pretty doll out so they could see her. I was too shy to go out myself. I was 5, they were 4 and 3. We became best friends.

We loved playing in the dirt in the alleys around our houses - we would use the hose to make mud, then the subsequent mud pies with little weeds for decorations. We played with Barbies - sometimes making elaborate homes for them in the front hall of their house. They were my first real friends and are still my friends today, although we rarely see each other.
My mom was an excellent seamstress and sewed me many beautiful dresses. I remember her sewing me a dress out of pink checked cloth that had an embroidered edge - I had to try it on in the front room to make sure it fit. A lot of the dresses she made me had pretty silk sashes and I felt so special when I wore them.
I loved Sunday evenings, eating chocolate chip ice cream while watching Walt Disney. I wish I remembered more about the green house. There are only flashes of things that happened and the feelings that come with all happy childhood memories - and even some of the bad ones!  Once I stepped on a needle from my sister's play sewing machine early one morning after Christmas. Mom and dad were still in bed and I scooted in their room on my bottom and they got me up on the bed. Dad had to use pliers to remove the needle. I also remember getting an eraser stuck in my nose and the panic that I felt when I couldn't get it out. I hid in the bedroom closet until someone tattled and my mom helped me.
I remember my brother Brad in his Halloween Devil costume chasing me through the house as I screamed. I only remember a few of the Halloween costumes I wore. My earliest memory is of being in a furry lion costume and crawling around on my Grandma Marion and Grandpa Jimmy's floor. Sometimes I wonder if that was just a dream though. I also remember a simple pink dress with silver glitter and a plastic princess mask - the kind that came in a box with a window on top so you could see the mask. When I was about 10 mom made me, my brother Joel and my best friend Gayleen each a cat costume. I still have mine and both of my kids wore it when they were small.

My favorite Saturday morning cartoons were Casper, Mighty Mouse, Bullwinkle and Underdog. I remember my sisters watching Dark Shadows and me hiding in the room I shared with them because I was afraid. Now I wish I could purchase Dark Shadows and watch the entire thing, though I still don't like horror films - they make me sick to my stomach.
I was actually surprised that I could remember so many things that happened in the little green house - but I still don't remember the kitchen very well, or the bathroom. I do remember climbing onto an oil drum in the back yard - or something like that, and pretending it was a circus elephant. I know that in spite of being shy, I was extremely happy there.  We were able to make tents in the back yard by hooking blankets to the clothes line. I am not sure I ever actually lasted outside for the entire night, but I tried. I guess trying to write everything I remember down is going to become more of a list. I'm not sure why it is important to me now - but I intend to write down all that I can so I don't forget again.
Bessel vitamins - they were bright colored and in a clear glass jar. Red Rooster shoes that came with a Rooster piggy bank, saddle shoes, fuzzy hair ties and wearing little white gloves for church on Easter.
For now this will have to do.

Random thoughts

I'm sick - not the normal sick that I am all the time, but a really terrible, rotten, cruddy, awful cold. It has made me have to use my inhaler multiple times a day and that doesn't even seem to help much. My daughter told me about someone dying from doing a sinus rinse with a Neti Pot. I Googled it and it is true, although it was an amoeba (sp?) from using contaminated tap water. Still, a little disconcerting given that I am doing 2-3 sinus rinses every day. I do use distilled water, but still - a little nagging fear there.
Things I think about.
Friends. I have a lot of them, really good ones. I have been a good friend but lately I am not. I don't want to lose my friends but I just don't have the energy right now to be a good friend.

Politics. Well, it's election time. I always vote but don't always read the voter's pamphlet thoroughly. I tend to just go with my gut. I am liberal - and no, that is not just a choice I made or something I carried over from my parents - like religion. I have actually taken "tests" to see what my leanings are and I always come out as liberal. I find it a little funny since I could also be described as a goody goody. All of that said, the truth is, I am not good at debates.  I am just leaving the work to those more exuberant and confident people.  I'm not apathetic, but I'm sure my lack of involvement would indicate otherwise. Not everyone can be "that person". I'm not going to apologize that I am not.
Television. Yes, I know there are better things to do. Why do I watch so much of it? Partly because my husband does and it has become that thing we do together. Tomorrow I think I will pull out our UpWords game and try turning the television off for awhile.

Alas, it's just English.

While I was trying to sleep last night I kept thinking about the word "sleep". There is sleep, sleeping, slept. You GO to SLEEP.  Why did they also make the word "asleep"? You FALL asleep.  Then I started wondering if there were other words like that.  I thought of AWASH, which doesn't necessarily have anything to do with 'washing'. Example - "The streets were awash with shoppers." It seemed really interesting at the time - and I kept thinking about how I had never thought of it before.  Now in the waking hours - when I am AWAKE it doesn't seem nearly as exciting. You may be thinking right now of yelling at me - maybe something like "AVAST!" ???? So yes, now I will stop. :-)

The rules changed and I was the last to know.

This is my third day of being sick and staying in all day. I feel a little bit worthless. It has always been hard for me to just relax, even when I am sick. I somehow feel as if I am being truant - but from what? Maybe I'm absent from life. Sometimes it seems that way. Thinking about it now I realize that I hardly use my voice when I am home alone, unless I talk to Thomas or Sophie. I do hear myself coughing a lot today - I wish I could stop. I am also dizzy and I think it is just from the cold but it is also listed as a side effect of the medication. I made myself do the dishes, go outside to look for something pretty to take a picture of and do a load of laundry. I am now back on the couch just letting time pass. I'm a bit like the cat, just lying around all day waiting for something to inspire me to move.

Here is a random thought - I keep having to backspace between sentences so that there is only one space. Did you know that you are now only supposed to have one space between sentences? Apparently they changed it sometime in the 70s - word just didn't spread to Wilbur High School in time for my business teacher to tell me. It is a hard habit to break, and a little disappointing to find out that I've been doing it wrong for more than three decades.

I miss going to my Keyboarding class. I hope I am well enough to get in there next week and stay on top of things. The thing about learning so many new things is that I am really afraid I will forget everything before I have a need to use it in any kind of job. Will I ever have a job again? I think that things have come too easily to me in life. That might sound funny since I have had to struggle and have really been a little bit poor most of my adult life. I never felt poor - I know there are people who have had worse problems than mine. I guess I felt a little charmed. I thought I was safe in my job and that I would be there until I decided it was time to leave. I never thought I would find myself trying to start over as I am now. Up until now I think I was still in denial, I thought I would just go back to work as soon as I felt ready. I never thought that it would be difficult for me to find a job that I wanted and that I was qualified for. I thought it would be easy. It is anything but easy and I am not charmed.

Doctor's orders.

I had a followup appointment with my doctor this morning. I was planning to tell her I wanted to get off of my newest medication.  Instead she upped the dosage. She called me Nance, which endeared her to me and I have to follow her advice.  So, I am going to try it a little longer but I really mean it this time - if this doesn't help it will be the last time I try this kind of treatment. I really thought I was doing better but the doctor asked me about counseling.  I told her I had gone fairly consistently from July up until September but stopped because I felt better.  At the end of the appointment she said that I should reconsider additional counseling because even though I was joking about things, it still sounded like negative self-talk.  I smiled until she left the room and then I felt myself starting to fall a little apart. I managed to pull myself together and get out to my car with no tears.  So, this is me just venting. I admit to having days where I don't want to leave the house. There are days when I can't get anything done.  Knowing that I have all day to do something allows me to only do the one thing that needs to be done.  I often wonder, what did I do all day?  I spin my wheels a lot.  I think about doing things but end up doing nothing.
Reading what I just wrote makes me wonder if there are 4 more ways that I can say the exact same thing. I try not to write when I don't have anything positive to write about - so now I need to think about the positive things in my life.  One reminder just jumped up and laid down next to me - Thomas.  He is such a comfort to me and really good company.  Meow.  Then there is Darrell - he is so good.  He never makes me feel like I need to do anything about my current situation.  I know he would like to see me happy in a new job and feeling better about myself but he never acts as if I am any less just because I no longer have a job.  He is my biggest fan.
Then there is Sophie - yes, the carpet-licking dog.  She is so loyal - a real constant in my life.  I have wonderful children and friends.  Now that brings me back to the negative self-talk.  I get what the doctor is saying, and my children, my friends and my husband all know that is what I do - I joke.   Sure, sometimes I am the butt of my own joke. I didn't think of it as negative but having it put to me so directly today made me realize that it is.  I am going to try to curb my need to put myself down in the sarcastic way that I do.  I can't promise I won't ever do it again because I know I have been at it for years and it will probably be hard to stop. Only my pets, Sophie and Thomas really know how I'm doing. They attend to me by showing their love and letting me know that they understand.
I guess a part of me would be fine to just sit at home each day with my pets, watching talk shows and eating candy - but that's just not healthy now, is it?

Why does the dog lick the carpet and other questions.

My dog licks the carpet, blankets, clothing - anything really.  I have been so confused by the carpet licking that I Googled it.  Some people said it was OCD - some said it was because something is lacking in her diet, some suggested maybe it is from her mouth being sore.  What I did take away from my "research" was that she is not the only dog who does this.  I took her to the vet for her shots and found out she has peridontal disease and is having her teeth cleaned and some pulled next Friday.  She's a good old lady, Sophie, my mini dachshund. She is about 14 years old now and her heart and lungs are strong.  I do hope that she will stop licking the carpet after her dental surgery, and I'm sure it will improve her breath!
Other questions - okay here's one!  Why would someone call 6 times in a 2 hour period, leaving no messages and then when you answer on the 7th call she suddenly has no reason for the call?  Not just no reason but absolutely nothing at all to say.  So much for the nap I tried to take.  The hubby and I both have colds and thought we would take an afternoon nap before cooking dinner.
Another question for the universe is  WHY is there a pause button on the DVR if it only ends up causing your shows to skip and pause on its own, completely robbing you of being able to enjoy them? We have had the machine replaced twice and it still does it.
I guess that is all the questions I have right now.  I am cooking spaghetti squash in the oven and they smell like I should check on them!  Delicious!

Trusting the dots.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc&feature=player_embedded#!

I just listened to a commencement speech made by Steve Jobs at a Stanford graduation. I will admit that until last week when he died, I had never heard of Steve Jobs.  I suppose that if it hadn't been for his death I would never have known about him- and if it wasn't for Facebook I may have never been inspired by him.

There was a lot in his speech that I could relate to.  I went to college, but after the first quarter I was bored with my Advertising Art classes and just took classes that interested me.  (I did keep taking the calligraphy class.)   After the second quarter I quit college to get married.  At the time I didn't understand that college was something I would miss in the future - I did not see the value in it. I always regretted that I had quit, but now I see how the dots connected.

At age 30 I started working for a newspaper - in the advertising department. Nothing I had learned in  college had really prepared me, other than, possibly, the interpersonal relationships class I had taken.  When I was 40, while still working for the newspaper, I was asked to become a Diversity Awareness Facilitator.  It was a big step for me, as I was still quite shy and lacked the self-esteem to be able to visualize myself in something so far outside of my comfort zone.  I took the opportunity and never regretted it.  Now I see that I was just connecting the dots again.

There have been times in my life when, like Steve Jobs, I had to find creative ways to get by.  My kids and I sometimes searched the roadside for bottles and cans to add to our recycling pile.  I would use the money to buy bread, milk, eggs and hamburger.

I learned so much in my job at the newspaper. I became self-aware and independent.  I found that I had something to contribute in life. I was given the opportunity to write and be published and  I was proud of the work I did.  I was recently laid off from the job that I loved - I was one of the old, cleared out  to make way for the new. I am waiting to find out what the next step is for me - I am still afraid, but now, having looked back, I can imagine going forward.

Thank you Steve Jobs - for the helping me to connect the dots.

15 minutes a day.

I have a friend, she shall remain nameless - or, maybe I'll call her Madame LeX. :-)  She thinks I should write for 15 minutes each day - anything that is on my mind.  I admit I try to avoid getting on my soap box and that often means I don't write at all.  I don't want to whine or complain but honestly sometimes it is difficult.  My friend thinks I am funny.  I like to be thought of as funny.  Sometimes I think I'm funny.  When I was young I was really, really shy.  We are talking hide behind a tree, under a desk, excused from speech class-shy.  - to be continued -
(sometimes 15 minutes is hard to find)
Well, here I am again, trying to write for about 11 more minutes. My computer says it is 12 AM - I always thought noon and midnight didn't have an AM or PM - they were just 12 noon or 12 midnight. I'll have to check that on google or somewhere.  We went to the store this afternoon and then ate dinner at Burger Ranch.  The fish basket was the source of much conversation.  My hubby had it last week at the Pasco Burger Ranch and loved it.  The Kennewick Burger Ranch is owned by the same person but they use different fish in Kennewick.  It is square and coated - while the Pasco fish is triangular and battered.  Okay, so next time we will be going to Pasco. :-)  I boiled eggs and potatoes for a salad I have to make in the morning and we watched TV.  Pretty much a normal Friday night.  I am up later than usual, the cat lying next to me here on the couch and David Letterman on tv.  I now find myself staring at the night light and thinking that this blog is so boring.  I took quizzes on Goodreads.com - books I've read a long time ago.  I did great on the Diary of Anne Frank but not so great on the others.  OH, and actually some of them I never read - just saw the movies!  The cat loves me so much.  He is adorable when he is sleeping.  He just stretched out and put his soft little paws over his eyes.  When I go to bed he will follow and lay next to my head, at the top of my left shoulder.  Sometimes he gently reaches out and touches my face with his paws.  Sometimes he also pulls my hand closer to him.  He was Darrell's cat but has become mine since he moved in here.  I still miss my own cats.  This month it will be 2 years since Benny died and next month will mark 1 year since Cortez died.  I miss them.  I still think of them so often. They were both so special. There was a funny scene in a crime drama tonight.  The detectives visited the mother of their prime suspect.  She was a crazy looking old lady with cats and cat decor all over her house.  The cats were climbing on the detectives.  I told Darrell that could have been me in a few years if he hadn't saved me by marrying me! :-)  - I came close to being a crazy old lady with cats. Well, I only have about one more minute of writing to do and I am being pulled in the direction of my soft pillow and hopefully a good night of sleep.  Note to self - look for the pillow that the therapist recommended.