TCH Opinion page 2003

Mother’s feelings

Published in 2003 (Noah and I both feel much differently now)

It's difficult to put into words how it feels to be a parent of a Marine during wartime. So far, I am one of the lucky ones. My son, Pvt. Noah Arvan, is at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri waiting for his Military Police school to start. If his orders do not get changed, he will be there until his graduation June 6. 

I'm hoping the worst will be over by then. I live knowing he could be sent to Iraq any day. He is trained and ready for combat. Every Marine is a rifleman, first and foremost.

I shed my first tears for this war Friday morning upon hearing that we have already lost five Marines, really six. We can't forget about the Marine who took his own life in the Kuwaiti desert a few days before the war because he felt he was not ready for combat.

Day two, and we have casualties. All I can think about is how their mothers must be feeling. Until yesterday I must have thought we could have a war without losing our children. I was wrong.

Many of these troops have just completed boot camp and combat training. They had the physical and tactical training deemed necessary for their readiness. Who decides if they are emotionally strong enough for this challenge? Do I really think they are prepared? No, I don't.

My son became interested in all things military when he was about 3. I have a cassette tape of him telling my mom: "Guess what, Grandma? This week I joined the Air Force."  Looking in his now lonely, but not empty, bedroom I can still find bits of that little boy in a collection of military items ranging from canteens to berets. 

There was a time when I thought it would be a good idea for Noah to join the Marines. But he is older now, and times have changed. When he told me July 9 that he was enlisting the next day, I cried like a baby. He had made up his mind and there was nothing I could do about it. 

At that point, I decided the recruiter was evil, and I was not too shy to tell him. The next day, I was mowing the lawn and through my tears I noticed a faded red and gold Marines decal on Noah's bedroom window. I realized this was a path he had chosen long ago.

He left home on Nov. 11, Veterans Day. It was one week after his 19th birthday. He walked away carrying only a day timer and a shaving kit. Suddenly I was living alone, full of questions and fears.

It was three weeks until I heard from him, and then, it was a form letter. Several weeks later, the letters started coming fairly frequently. Some of the letters were heartbreaking, especially the one written on Christmas Day. Those drill instructors were now the evil ones.

Just when I started thinking that joining the Marines was the worst choice Noah could have made, I received a letter in which he wrote of his pride in the Corps and its history. He had a renewed faith in God and a greater appreciation of family. He was growing up.  

Last month, I attended Noah's graduation from boot camp in San Diego. He is no longer a recruit. He has become a Marine. Before Noah left for combat training Feb. 25, I had a silver Marine coin engraved for him. He left it with me for safekeeping, along with a cross he had found while crawling in the dirt during the Crucible, a particularly difficult part of boot camp.

Watching him leave this second time was one of the hardest things I have ever done. This time, I had no idea when I would see him again. This time, he left knowing war was imminent.

I suppose you could say at that moment President Bush became the "evil" one to me. Please understand, this is a mother's fear speaking. I support the decisions of our government, and I pray this is the right course for our nation and our troops. My son believes Bush is doing what needs to be done. I trust that is true.