A work in progress

I was a grown-up in my twenties. I was a wife and the mother of two small children. I did all the tasks expected of me - cooked the meals, did the grocery shopping, cleaned the house and cared for my family. I was a good mother. I read to my kids and played with them, took them to the doctor when they were  sick and stayed with them at the hospital when they had to be admitted. I enrolled them into pre-school at the appropriate times and took them to church. I taught Sunday school, was a Brownie leader and made sure my kids had Christmas stockings, Easter baskets, egg hunts, Halloween costumes, birthday parties and plenty of parades. I had a lot of other mommy friends with children for mine to play with. I had Home Interior and Tupperware parties and went to potlucks. We were a family. I was just a normal wife and mother.
When I was thirty years old I got a part-time job at the Tri-City Herald that eventually became a full-time position with a lot of responsibility. My husband thought I was changing, and he was right. I tried to hold my little family together by finally reaching out for help. I went to my friends, my pastor, a counselor and Al-Anon. I bought books and tried to force my husband to read them. I took the kids to Young Marines and music lessons and wrote in journals. I filled these books with my disappointments and heartaches and some little pops of happiness. It was all to no avail. I decided I wanted more for myself and for my kids. I wanted more for my husband, but I knew he had to make those changes for himself. The marriage ended.

I became a child again. Maybe this statement is not completely true or fair, as I know I still tried to be a good mother. I did my best - most of the time. The honest thing that anyone can admit in life is that they made mistakes. I made mine. Looking back, I will say that I have regrets. There are things I would do differently given the chance.
I had married so young that I didn't have a clue about dating, or relationships with men. The first man that asked me out was from my church and his parents set it up. He was nice, 13 years older than I was with a big old house and a good job. I found myself in a relationship before I really even thought about it. He was just the next Mr. Right. Or was he? He seemed to have made up his mind about me, so I tried to be in love. After a few months and the intervention of a good friend I realized I was just trying to create my little dream of a perfect life - with this man who was nice, but not the right one for me.
The next Prince Charming candidate lived across the state. I was introduced to him by my friend who rescued me from Mr. Right. My son liked him because he'd been in the Army and had cool stuff. Honestly, I'm not sure why I liked him except he was fun, and mostly - far away. I convinced myself I was in love and tried to make him feel the same. After more than 2 years, I ended it (or so I told myself). The truth is - he didn't love me. I can easily see now that he, while being a nice man - was not the man for me.
Next came a series of mistakes in my search for love. My children were grown and busy with their own lives and activities. I had my friends and my job and tried to grow up again. I guess I didn't really know what that would look like for me. Looking back I worry that my kids needed more from me during these years than I gave them. They have graciously let me off the hook every time I suggest this, but in my heart I know I should have and could have been more present in their lives. (Whether they let on that they needed me or not)
I'd like to think I'm grown up again, but I know there are moments when I'm not, and perhaps that is true of everyone. I found the love of my life and we have a good marriage. I have a job and a cat and I hear from my very adult children a few times each week. I still worry about them and try to mother them when they let me. I wonder sometimes what things are still ahead of me. I hope I can make the most of my choices and continue to learn from my mistakes.
Today is a lovely day and I'm going to go out and do my best.