Morning walk.

This morning I went for a walk - the same walk I used to take with my kids most evenings when I was around the age they are now. I remember we would look at the river and talk about a different life. You could say we had dreams.
Now I walk that same path while my kids are making their own way in life. I miss them. I'm lucky that we are so bonded, and I think those walks long ago have a lot to do with that. Some of our dreams have been realized, but not in the way you might think. We weren't wishing for tangible things. I think Anna and Noah would agree that we just wanted peace in our lives... and happiness.
I have made a conscious effort in my writing to be respectful of others, so it is rare I make mention of what prompted us to take so many walks. But this is my story, and I can't tell it without acknowledging that it was my husband's alcoholism that sent me and my kids on those walks along the levee, dreaming our dreams. It was our way of coping and it is what made us closer. Although that is a good outcome, I would still change the catalyst if I could. One thing I finally realized, with the help of my very wise children, was that I couldn't change their father. We went our separate ways.
I wish he could be healthy. I wish he could be happy. I wish my kids could have had the childhood they deserved, with happy parents. They have assured me that they have happy memories, but still, I wish.  And I wish that, as adults, they didn't have to deal with the fact that their dad can't be a support system for them.
My son is going to be a daddy in July. I know he is afraid that his daughter might never really know her grandpa. My daughter, like every girl, needs her dad. But he needs her more and I know the weight of that is something she thinks about constantly. No matter what - my kids love their dad. And you know, he deserves their love. Everyone deserves to be loved. I know he loves them too, but he is just not in a place where he can show them. Alcohol has taken it's toll and he is not doing well. I pray for him to get better, but I know that, as in the past, I still can't change things.
I'm so proud that my kids can see their dad's heart and appreciate his intelligence and his sense of humor. I'm glad they love him so much, but its also painful to know how much that love hurts sometimes. Alcoholism doesn't just destroy the alcoholic, it destroys families, it destroys the trust and emotional stability of children. I am lucky that my kids are so strong.
We're still working on our happy endings. We'll get there.