Dear Diagnostic Essay,
Please don’t stray, don’t leave my mind. I have written and
edited you at least three times in my head. When you write in your head, while
in your bed, there is great risk involved. I am not sure how you can lose
something that is a part of you, something of your own creation. But somehow,
the chaos of the morning can steal away your thoughts and you are left with
crumbs of something that may have been delicious.
I agonized over you. When I first heard your title I was
uninspired and worried. I felt defeated before I even started. I have enough
self-awareness to know that this is a frequent problem of mine, this worrying
over things way before I need to.
Still, I feel as if I have done a good job on you – in my
head at least. I hope that when I sit down this morning to put pen to paper you
will flow from my hand as you have from my mind, and also my heart.
I wouldn’t have thought writing about how a writing class
might affect my future life or career could inspire me. There are days when I
feel I will not have a future career. Oh, I know my life will go on a bit
longer, hopefully quite a bit longer. A career however, could prove elusive. I
had one already. It was taken from me in a way that still stings, when I let
it. I try not to let it.
Writing has always mattered to me. Taking a writing class
was an unfulfilled dream and now that I am doing it I am afraid. I am so afraid
of finding out that I am not as good as I once thought. I’m afraid that what
natural ability I may have had or may have now will be stolen away like the
memories I’ve forgotten, like the everyday happenings of my childhood, like my
father.
I am running out of words right now and not sure what else
to say. I just implore you to stay with me for another couple hours so I can
write you down and keep you forever. I promise to take care of you, to put you
in the binder with your scores, whatever they may be. I also promise that I
won’t be disappointed in you, even if the fog sets in and you are less than you
were in my head, and even if the feedback is not as good as I hope. I will
still love you – because you are a part of me that I will hold dear.
Maybe I care too much about you and about the future essays
I will have to write. I have a tendency
to care too much about a lot of things, which usually causes their importance
to be diminished. I am sure no one else will care as much as I do- not the
instructor, not the other students, and surely not the cat. I lack an audience
and that is difficult at times. I have always been my own best and worst
critic.
No comments:
Post a Comment