Like being in first grade again....

I am not really sure when the last time was that I saw one of my friends. I am sure it was over 3 weeks ago. When I worked I saw friends every Monday through Friday - sometimes even on the weekends. The thing with my job was that even with the stress and pressure, at the end of the day I was done for the day. I mean sure, there was always some little problem on my mind, but I knew how to fix it.

Spring quarter at college is really hard. I have cried probably 8 times in the last 10 days. I think there will be more tears as I continue. There are moments when I think I must be the dumbest student in the class - struggling over the problems. Several times the things that have tripped me up have been simple little things with the templates we have to use online for the accounting. I am reminded that the devil is in the details.  There is homework EVERY day - including assignments due on the weekends. I don't get any days off - but the quarter will end eventually. I can hope that next quarter will be a little easier.

Over the past couple weeks I have found myself angry again, blaming the Herald for laying me off and making me have to completely change my life. I remember when there were issues at work my boss would often say "blame me if  you need to," I am still blaming him. After all, he was the decision maker and no one above him ever talked to me about that decision. I asked specifically for an explanation of what criteria was used to determine that my job was one they could eliminate. I didn't even get a reply, not even a we can't or we won't tell you. Sometimes I still wonder.
I wish I could know what the conversation was like at that table where so many people I called friends sat and decided my fate.
I realize that I sound like a victim again - a whiny, poor me, glass half full baby. I am going to allow it for today. I get to have those days if I want. I worked hard to get to this place so I am going to handle it any way that works.  I used to have challenging days at work, I would look around and realize everyone else had gone home while I still had another hour ahead of me and I would say to myself,"it is only one day." I knew the newspaper would get out and only I would know how hard my part of putting it all together like a puzzle had been. I don't know what it's like for the people doing that job now. I am pretty sure it is easier simply because they don't care as much as I did. I don't think anyone will ever really know or appreciate what it meant to me.
I am sitting here now letting myself feel. A single tear falls on the keyboard as I am struck with something so deep I can't even try to explain it. This is not all sadness, this is just ...so much of everything.
Tri-City Herald - I still miss you.

First Grade