Dear lilacs

Thank you so much for coming to visit. Because of you I saw some fat bumblebees, which is something I hadn't seen in quite some time. I truly enjoyed your fragrance and beauty. The little robins also appreciated you immensely, as I saw them coming and going often from your lovely branches.
I am sorry about the hot days, followed by the wind ~ I know it was hard on you. I wish you could have stayed longer. Your visits seem to get shorter all the time and waiting for next spring can be almost unbearable.
Why does it seem that the best things never seem to last very long. I will try to take care of you so that you can handle more and more blooms as the years pass by, and you continue to make my early spring days so meaningful.
You are looking a little shabby now, but you still smell nice and I still love you. You remind me of my childhood home, Memorial days past and the loved ones whose graves we adorned with your purple bouquets. You were taken from those very old lilacs that surrounded the old red house and planted here to bless me with your beauty year after year. You have been faithful and constant and kept me rooted to my family by the memories you evoke. You are elegant and graceful and don't deserve the harsh treatment you receive from mother nature - but it has made you strong and I know you will continue to bloom and grow.
See you next year.

Much Love,

Nancy

What a happy bumblebee!

Lovely lilacs

Dreams

I've had a few dreams. How many do you remember? How do we decide which ones are meaningful? I suppose it only matters if they mean something to us. I remember some from when I was very young. When I was about 10 years old I dreamed that Santa's sleigh landed in our neighborhood and I got to ride on it. I can still feel that dream.
When I was a teenager I had a strange dream full of clouds and storms and a man blowing a trumpet. In the dream I was anxiously dialing our old rotary phone trying to call people.
How do you interpret these dreams? The first one is pretty easy ~ I was 10, I wanted to believe and I wanted to fly. When I told my sister about the second dream she said it was the archangel Gabriel blowing the trumpet and I was dreaming the rapture. I thought that made sense at the time but the world has now survived rotary phones.

I have lots of my dreams written down in a journal. Sometimes when I read them I don't remember writing them down, let alone dreaming them. I took my dream journal once when I was visiting with my kids and we had a wonderful session of laughter over some of the crazier dreams.
For awhile I thought it was important to remember them and write them down. They seemed so significant. Lately I have other priorities and the dreams are getting away from me.
Through the years I have had a lot of dreams that turned out to be pretty accurate predictions of things that happened later.  I had one of those types of dreams last week that was about me going to school to take an accounting test. The classroom was so full that I could barely find a place to sit. When I looked at the test sheet - it didn't match the answer sheet so I decided to find the instructor.  When I found him it was not my current instructor, but one who I had last quarter. He was too busy to help me and I went back to my test and my pencil was gone. There was a lot of anxiety over my pencil being stolen in the dream - not once, but twice. I ended up not being able to take the test and there is a lot more disjointed information that involves a lost backpack, a woman from my old church, some high school classmates and me getting lost at CBC and ending up sobbing. The weird part about the dream was the instructor. Even though my classes are in the same building this quarter I hadn't seen him at all since last quarter ended. The only time I had thought of him was when I realized I was sort of missing his concise lectures and fairly easy tests!
The morning after I had this dream I was sitting in a study area getting ready for the test and the instructor from last quarter walked over, helped me with a problem and proceeded to sit and have a lengthy conversation with me. I'm not sure what that means except maybe the dream prepared me to take the time for the conversation instead of stressing out over the test - which I did fine on.
Dreams continue to fascinate me, but these days remembering the ones that I have while sleeping is less of a priority than finding dreams to realize in my waking hours.
I need more of those.

Numbers

I really don't like numbers. Actually, it is much deeper than that, but I try not to use the word 'hate'. I guess when I was little I enjoyed them ~ holding up fingers to represent my age, learning to count, and buying penny candy. As we age, and subsequently run out of fingers (and then hands) for counting, numbers are not near as much fun. Now my hands show my age by the wrinkles and spots. We even stop getting candles on our cakes and there are all kinds of jokes about that.
We stop counting ~ because the small change and dollar bills are not as exciting as they once were. In fact, 'small change' now carries a negative connotation, and counting our pennies means we can't afford the  extra things or even sometimes the necessities.
I will admit that the numbers themselves aren't really that bad. I just saw a video about the 'father of accounting', Luca Pacioli. He saw beauty in the numbers, he saw, and showed the connection between art, science and mathematics. So inspired was he, that he collaborated with Leonardo DaVinci to create the book "Of Divine Proportion."

 He was a very impressive man and learning about him did make me appreciate the history of accounting and the importance of A=L+E. I will try to keep it in mind when I struggle with my homework and stress out over exams. Going forward, as I look at financial reports and my eyes start to glaze over I will try to see something beautiful or amazing about those numbers (maybe some ALE will help). I know I will definitely appreciate the person who pulled all those numbers together to create the reports. I know some people love numbers - we need those people.
Me, I prefer words ~ novels, crossword puzzles and 'Words With Friends'. I would much rather read or write than do math of any kind on any day. That is my excuse for writing this blog when I should be doing my accounting homework.
As for The Principles of Accounting 101 - I question daily if I will be able to do it, and hourly if I even want to. What will the outcome be? What is my "big" picture? I try focusing on the small accomplishments ~  like perfect attendance, in spite of my pain and fatigue and my 4.0, even when I feel like I'm failing.  I lowered my own expectations of myself for this quarter, and I am exceeding them - but I still feel so defeated. I guess it is because of the numbers.
 I admire the number lovers ~ but I will never be one.

Like being in first grade again....

I am not really sure when the last time was that I saw one of my friends. I am sure it was over 3 weeks ago. When I worked I saw friends every Monday through Friday - sometimes even on the weekends. The thing with my job was that even with the stress and pressure, at the end of the day I was done for the day. I mean sure, there was always some little problem on my mind, but I knew how to fix it.

Spring quarter at college is really hard. I have cried probably 8 times in the last 10 days. I think there will be more tears as I continue. There are moments when I think I must be the dumbest student in the class - struggling over the problems. Several times the things that have tripped me up have been simple little things with the templates we have to use online for the accounting. I am reminded that the devil is in the details.  There is homework EVERY day - including assignments due on the weekends. I don't get any days off - but the quarter will end eventually. I can hope that next quarter will be a little easier.

Over the past couple weeks I have found myself angry again, blaming the Herald for laying me off and making me have to completely change my life. I remember when there were issues at work my boss would often say "blame me if  you need to," I am still blaming him. After all, he was the decision maker and no one above him ever talked to me about that decision. I asked specifically for an explanation of what criteria was used to determine that my job was one they could eliminate. I didn't even get a reply, not even a we can't or we won't tell you. Sometimes I still wonder.
I wish I could know what the conversation was like at that table where so many people I called friends sat and decided my fate.
I realize that I sound like a victim again - a whiny, poor me, glass half full baby. I am going to allow it for today. I get to have those days if I want. I worked hard to get to this place so I am going to handle it any way that works.  I used to have challenging days at work, I would look around and realize everyone else had gone home while I still had another hour ahead of me and I would say to myself,"it is only one day." I knew the newspaper would get out and only I would know how hard my part of putting it all together like a puzzle had been. I don't know what it's like for the people doing that job now. I am pretty sure it is easier simply because they don't care as much as I did. I don't think anyone will ever really know or appreciate what it meant to me.
I am sitting here now letting myself feel. A single tear falls on the keyboard as I am struck with something so deep I can't even try to explain it. This is not all sadness, this is just ...so much of everything.
Tri-City Herald - I still miss you.

First Grade