losing it

I've lost my cell phone....
Seems I lose a lot of things these days, usually words, thoughts etc.
I forget so many things that I don't even know what I forgot.
I'm losing my ability to communicate intelligently and to hang onto the great ideas that pop into my head. I've heard it called brain fog - a symptom of Fibromyalgia. I can't tell anymore if anything that happens is because of the fibro or because of the drugs.
I feel worthless and undeserving.
I'm glad this blog is just mine and no one even knows I have it! I can whine without feeling like a wimp. I can tell the truth to myself and read it when I forget what it was. Here I know what is real and what is not hypochondria.
This Fibromyalgia SUCKS!

Independence

I was recently involved in an on line "art show" depicting Independence. It was off topic on a support forum for fibromyalgia. You can imagine there were the usual pictures of fireworks and flags. I posted a couple pictures of my son when he was deployed to Iraq. I posted pictures of the kids jumping when they were small. I thought about it for several more days and even asked a couple friends what they pictured when they thought of Independence. One said FREEDOM and the other said BEING IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE.
I realized that my most independent times were when I was a child. It seems an unreasonable answer but here it is:
Pieces of independence -
Hop Scotch and Tether Ball,
Long days roaming the bluffs of my childhood...
Riding bikes and twirling under tumbleweeds that became umbrellas for dancing in the rain.
Building forts and sailing on the large cement block that was my boat...
Eating home-made popsicles while sitting on the oil drum elephant in the back yard.
Enjoying the swimming pool and then laying on the hot cement to dry - I still love the smell of water hitting hot cement.
Realizing now, that as an adult I am a prisoner to my stress, my job and my uncooperative body - and to the medications that are supposed to help me but threaten to take away my independent memories.
When I was a child and more dependent than any other time of my life was when I experienced the most freedom.
I long for clearer memories and hope that a bit of childhood is holding on in my heart to keep me from withering away like the wildflowers that no longer fill the hills of my youth.