Granddaughter’s bond deeper than blood

I'm just going to put this here. From a story I wrote for the HERALD in 2011

Granddaughter’s bond deeper than blood

The only grandma I have ever known is the woman who raised my dad since he was 5 years old, my stepgrandma Lula.  I am her namesake, Nancy Lula.  She is my real grandma in every sense of the word. She was a real mom to my dad and grieved as only a mother can grieve when he died.  She is strong in body and character. Hers is a voice I hear in my head, always cheerful and caring.  Along with raising my dad as her own, she helped run the cattle ranch, rode horses and worked side by side with the men on branding days.  She made fried potatoes for breakfast, was the signer of birthday cards and the giver of gifts to all of her grandchildren. 

Although I love Grandma Lula as my one and only Grandma, I always wondered what my biological grandma, Leola was like. I have no memories of her, but have been told many times throughout my life that I look like her. I was intrigued by the idea that I might discover some insight into myself through learning about the life of this woman who looked so much like me.

All I knew was that she and my Grandpa Bush divorced in 1935 and he married Grandma Lula.  Grandma Leola married 2 more times during her lifetime and circumstances kept her from playing a large part in my dad's life. My mom said that the only times she saw me was when she would show up late at night, unexpectedly.  Not wanting to wake us, my parents would let her look at us as we slept. She was an alcoholic and died under mysterious circumstances by drowning in a bathtub when I was a toddler. Not exactly the typical picture of a grandmother I convinced myself that there had to be more to her than the unfortunate things I had been told - did she have hobbies? What of proms, favorite songs and best friends? I decided to find out and write a story about her. 

My Aunt Nadene was the one who graciously answered my many questions, even though the task of remembering her mother was painful for her. I gathered a few interesting facts, such as: she once sewed a wedding dress out of parachute silk, she liked the color red so much that she painted her kitchen ceiling red, she liked horses and was a hard worker. She had a good personality and her friends appreciated her sense of humor. Sadly, though, by her children, Grandma Leola was mostly remembered for her drinking and the effects that it had on them.

Aunt Nadene said that while I do resemble my grandma in appearance -- that is where the similarities end.  She told me to remember that "you are you, and a wonderful you." I was disappointed that there wasn't something more - disappointed that I didn't find some common ground besides my face to link me to my dad's real mom. With nothing to help me write the story I had planned, I started thinking about what makes someone a real mother or grandmother. I know that I too have strength and have passed that strength on to my children.  This is Grandma Lula's legacy, whereas Grandma Leola's legacy is only in our faces.

Although I didn't find what I hoped I would about Grandma Leola, the experience helped me to finally realize that it's not about what wasn't, but rather, about what is and always has been.

What I was seeking from the past is something I already have with Grandma Lula. I remember sitting on her lap as a child, arriving at her ranch early on Sunday mornings to the smell of breakfast and the sound of the grown up's voices preparing for the day.  It was idyllic – playing in the woods, being led around the ranch on a horse or taking naps on Grandma's bed.  The ties that bind are in the memories, not the blood – they are in the love that is nurtured through the years. They are in shared experiences. What is important isn't anything as significant as sharing a great talent or even a face – in the end I found the affinity I was looking for in the simplest thing.

 Grandma Lula and I both love cats.

She spent a lot of time outside.

We are all here together to celebrate Grandma Lula’s 100th birthday. After a century of life, you know that she has lots of stories to tell. Gayleen described driving around in Grandma Lula’s big car and listening to her tell stories of her long life on the reservation, many of which sound like something from a book or a movie to our relatively young ears. In fact, she is the oldest living tribal member, a treasure in the community.
We each have our own things in common with Grandma; for me it is a love of birds and cats and my middle name. Among my memories is my very first concert - that Grandma took me to for my birthday when I was 13 – Liberace at the Opera House in Spokane. I don’t remember many details, other than sitting way up high in the opera house and looking at the stage where there was a lot of fur, laughter - and a candelabra. I remember how special I felt being on an outing all alone with my Grandma. With so many grandchildren it wasn’t easy to find time for just the two of us. I treasure that day as much as I treasure today.

I remember gifts Grandma gave me through the years, among them a collection of Hank Williams albums. I saw a movie about Hank Williams and told Grandma I liked him, when the truth was I just thought George Hamilton, who portrayed him in the movie, was dreamy at the time. Since then I’ve come to appreciate Hank Williams much more than I do George Hamilton.

100 years, 36,500 days – that is how long Grandma Lula has been living, learning and loving. She has lived through World War I and World War II, The Great Depression, The Korean War, Vietnam, The Gulf War and The War in Iraq. Grandma has seen a lot of changes – everything from televisions and microwave ovens to cell phones and robotics. In Grandma’s lifetime there have been 18 presidents, good times and bad times. Through it all she was home on the reservation being a mother and working on the ranch and even finding time to make quilts for almost every single one of her many, many grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Grandma has told many of us that riding horses was one of the greatest joys of her life, something she still dreams about. You know she has done some traveling, with trips to New Zealand and Alaska and many others, but being home – close to friends and family is what Grandma has always loved most.

Whether she was riding her beloved horses, herding cattle, picking huckleberries or just picnicking with family, there isn’t much of the San Poil that hasn’t been touched by Grandma. As much as she’s made an indelible mark in all of our lives, she’s made, and she’s still making lasting impressions on the reservation and on everyone who has the opportunity to spend time with her. I know that my dad Bennie felt so close to Grandma and loved her so very much. She became a mother to him when she herself was still so very young. My Mom, who lost her own mother when she was just 18 years old, thinks of Grandma as a mother as well.
Grandma, in our family you have been the only grandmother we’ve ever known. You have done it well, Grandma, and at the same time you've never let yourself be defined or limited by people’s opinions or society’s definition of a woman. You are a great role model for everyone, and especially young women, in today’s world with all the changes that are taking place. Your loyalty and devotion to family and God is truly inspirational.
I feel so lucky to be able to stand here and speak to you for your 100th birthday Grandma. There is nothing I could possibly say that could appropriately honor you and the life you have lived so far. There is however, one question we would all like to have the answer to – what is your secret?
So, while there is so much more I could say, at this time I’d just like to end with this – Happy Birthday Grandma Lula, we all love and admire you more than we can ever say.

Oh Cute Darrell

I was thinking recently how I don't often write about Darrell. I wonder if it's that old thing about how we always take the most important things in life for granted.
In May we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary, and it's been over 17 years since we met. Darrell likes to tell the story about how he used to tell friends that he had me in a 10 year training program. I always counter with how I asked him for annual reviews and was highly overqualified for the job.
He proposed in the 9th year and I planned the wedding for 1.5 months ahead of us being together for 10 years. Not completing his training program has not been a problem!

We had some challenges during those early years, including breaking up twice. I used to feel bad about those things - but looking back now I see how much we learned and how it has made marriage better for us. Now I can say I'm glad we waited as long as we did to get married. It took that long for Darrell, who had been through two bad divorces, to get to a point where he was ready to take that chance again. It took that long for me to trust him completely, and to trust myself.

I used to be pretty jealous - but it's because Darrell has a magnet and he often forgot to turn it off. He's a pretty great catch and while he was a good boyfriend, he's the best husband I could ever have imagined. He's very generous and thoughtful, not only to me, but to my children and my Mom. He helps keep things clean and neat in the house and takes care of the yard. He shops for the groceries and often prepares the meals. He tends to be a little Obsessive Compulsive, which is where Oh Cute Darrell (OCD) comes from. He cares about my happiness and is appreciative of everything that I do. We make a great team and work hard to preserve our home and our relationship. Nothing is taken for granted in our lives.

Recently I've had to curb a new jealousy, as our granddaughter almost always prefers him over me. The jealousy isn't real, as I get so much joy from the happiness these two bring to each other. It is so fun to see them being silly together and she loves how he laughs at her knock-knock jokes. She is a loving little girl and is sweet to everyone, but she makes Poppa Darrell feel like a million bucks when she asks for him every time we're on the phone. Children know when someone is special and can feel their love. Her love for him is a testament to his kind heart.

Darrell is a hard worker and never complains about how hard he works. He enjoys the work that he does and takes pride in doing a good job on anything that he takes on. Recently he went through something very difficult at work, but he kept his faith and pride in knowing he's done the best job he can do. It's hard to understand why others would want to mess with the livelihood of such a wonderful person. Darrell is the first to admit that he's not perfect, but he's extremely good at his job  and a genuinely nice person who doesn't deserve what some people have tried to do.

Life can be challenging and stressful. My mom is recovering right now from a two surgeries, resulting from a badly broken leg and my Grandma just had a stroke and is still in the hospital. The season is changing, as is day-to-day life, but there is no one I would rather share these times with. I am so grateful and lucky to have this man in my life!