Granddaughter’s bond deeper than blood

I'm just going to put this here. From a story I wrote for the HERALD in 2011

Granddaughter’s bond deeper than blood

The only grandma I have ever known is the woman who raised my dad since he was 5 years old, my stepgrandma Lula.  I am her namesake, Nancy Lula.  She is my real grandma in every sense of the word. She was a real mom to my dad and grieved as only a mother can grieve when he died.  She is strong in body and character. Hers is a voice I hear in my head, always cheerful and caring.  Along with raising my dad as her own, she helped run the cattle ranch, rode horses and worked side by side with the men on branding days.  She made fried potatoes for breakfast, was the signer of birthday cards and the giver of gifts to all of her grandchildren. 

Although I love Grandma Lula as my one and only Grandma, I always wondered what my biological grandma, Leola was like. I have no memories of her, but have been told many times throughout my life that I look like her. I was intrigued by the idea that I might discover some insight into myself through learning about the life of this woman who looked so much like me.

All I knew was that she and my Grandpa Bush divorced in 1935 and he married Grandma Lula.  Grandma Leola married 2 more times during her lifetime and circumstances kept her from playing a large part in my dad's life. My mom said that the only times she saw me was when she would show up late at night, unexpectedly.  Not wanting to wake us, my parents would let her look at us as we slept. She was an alcoholic and died under mysterious circumstances by drowning in a bathtub when I was a toddler. Not exactly the typical picture of a grandmother I convinced myself that there had to be more to her than the unfortunate things I had been told - did she have hobbies? What of proms, favorite songs and best friends? I decided to find out and write a story about her. 

My Aunt Nadene was the one who graciously answered my many questions, even though the task of remembering her mother was painful for her. I gathered a few interesting facts, such as: she once sewed a wedding dress out of parachute silk, she liked the color red so much that she painted her kitchen ceiling red, she liked horses and was a hard worker. She had a good personality and her friends appreciated her sense of humor. Sadly, though, by her children, Grandma Leola was mostly remembered for her drinking and the effects that it had on them.

Aunt Nadene said that while I do resemble my grandma in appearance -- that is where the similarities end.  She told me to remember that "you are you, and a wonderful you." I was disappointed that there wasn't something more - disappointed that I didn't find some common ground besides my face to link me to my dad's real mom. With nothing to help me write the story I had planned, I started thinking about what makes someone a real mother or grandmother. I know that I too have strength and have passed that strength on to my children.  This is Grandma Lula's legacy, whereas Grandma Leola's legacy is only in our faces.

Although I didn't find what I hoped I would about Grandma Leola, the experience helped me to finally realize that it's not about what wasn't, but rather, about what is and always has been.

What I was seeking from the past is something I already have with Grandma Lula. I remember sitting on her lap as a child, arriving at her ranch early on Sunday mornings to the smell of breakfast and the sound of the grown up's voices preparing for the day.  It was idyllic – playing in the woods, being led around the ranch on a horse or taking naps on Grandma's bed.  The ties that bind are in the memories, not the blood – they are in the love that is nurtured through the years. They are in shared experiences. What is important isn't anything as significant as sharing a great talent or even a face – in the end I found the affinity I was looking for in the simplest thing.

 Grandma Lula and I both love cats.

She spent a lot of time outside.

We are all here together to celebrate Grandma Lula’s 100th birthday. After a century of life, you know that she has lots of stories to tell. Gayleen described driving around in Grandma Lula’s big car and listening to her tell stories of her long life on the reservation, many of which sound like something from a book or a movie to our relatively young ears. In fact, she is the oldest living tribal member, a treasure in the community.
We each have our own things in common with Grandma; for me it is a love of birds and cats and my middle name. Among my memories is my very first concert - that Grandma took me to for my birthday when I was 13 – Liberace at the Opera House in Spokane. I don’t remember many details, other than sitting way up high in the opera house and looking at the stage where there was a lot of fur, laughter - and a candelabra. I remember how special I felt being on an outing all alone with my Grandma. With so many grandchildren it wasn’t easy to find time for just the two of us. I treasure that day as much as I treasure today.

I remember gifts Grandma gave me through the years, among them a collection of Hank Williams albums. I saw a movie about Hank Williams and told Grandma I liked him, when the truth was I just thought George Hamilton, who portrayed him in the movie, was dreamy at the time. Since then I’ve come to appreciate Hank Williams much more than I do George Hamilton.

100 years, 36,500 days – that is how long Grandma Lula has been living, learning and loving. She has lived through World War I and World War II, The Great Depression, The Korean War, Vietnam, The Gulf War and The War in Iraq. Grandma has seen a lot of changes – everything from televisions and microwave ovens to cell phones and robotics. In Grandma’s lifetime there have been 18 presidents, good times and bad times. Through it all she was home on the reservation being a mother and working on the ranch and even finding time to make quilts for almost every single one of her many, many grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Grandma has told many of us that riding horses was one of the greatest joys of her life, something she still dreams about. You know she has done some traveling, with trips to New Zealand and Alaska and many others, but being home – close to friends and family is what Grandma has always loved most.

Whether she was riding her beloved horses, herding cattle, picking huckleberries or just picnicking with family, there isn’t much of the San Poil that hasn’t been touched by Grandma. As much as she’s made an indelible mark in all of our lives, she’s made, and she’s still making lasting impressions on the reservation and on everyone who has the opportunity to spend time with her. I know that my dad Bennie felt so close to Grandma and loved her so very much. She became a mother to him when she herself was still so very young. My Mom, who lost her own mother when she was just 18 years old, thinks of Grandma as a mother as well.
Grandma, in our family you have been the only grandmother we’ve ever known. You have done it well, Grandma, and at the same time you've never let yourself be defined or limited by people’s opinions or society’s definition of a woman. You are a great role model for everyone, and especially young women, in today’s world with all the changes that are taking place. Your loyalty and devotion to family and God is truly inspirational.
I feel so lucky to be able to stand here and speak to you for your 100th birthday Grandma. There is nothing I could possibly say that could appropriately honor you and the life you have lived so far. There is however, one question we would all like to have the answer to – what is your secret?
So, while there is so much more I could say, at this time I’d just like to end with this – Happy Birthday Grandma Lula, we all love and admire you more than we can ever say.

Oh Cute Darrell

I was thinking recently how I don't often write about Darrell. I wonder if it's that old thing about how we always take the most important things in life for granted.
In May we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary, and it's been over 17 years since we met. Darrell likes to tell the story about how he used to tell friends that he had me in a 10 year training program. I always counter with how I asked him for annual reviews and was highly overqualified for the job.
He proposed in the 9th year and I planned the wedding for 1.5 months ahead of us being together for 10 years. Not completing his training program has not been a problem!

We had some challenges during those early years, including breaking up twice. I used to feel bad about those things - but looking back now I see how much we learned and how it has made marriage better for us. Now I can say I'm glad we waited as long as we did to get married. It took that long for Darrell, who had been through two bad divorces, to get to a point where he was ready to take that chance again. It took that long for me to trust him completely, and to trust myself.

I used to be pretty jealous - but it's because Darrell has a magnet and he often forgot to turn it off. He's a pretty great catch and while he was a good boyfriend, he's the best husband I could ever have imagined. He's very generous and thoughtful, not only to me, but to my children and my Mom. He helps keep things clean and neat in the house and takes care of the yard. He shops for the groceries and often prepares the meals. He tends to be a little Obsessive Compulsive, which is where Oh Cute Darrell (OCD) comes from. He cares about my happiness and is appreciative of everything that I do. We make a great team and work hard to preserve our home and our relationship. Nothing is taken for granted in our lives.

Recently I've had to curb a new jealousy, as our granddaughter almost always prefers him over me. The jealousy isn't real, as I get so much joy from the happiness these two bring to each other. It is so fun to see them being silly together and she loves how he laughs at her knock-knock jokes. She is a loving little girl and is sweet to everyone, but she makes Poppa Darrell feel like a million bucks when she asks for him every time we're on the phone. Children know when someone is special and can feel their love. Her love for him is a testament to his kind heart.

Darrell is a hard worker and never complains about how hard he works. He enjoys the work that he does and takes pride in doing a good job on anything that he takes on. Recently he went through something very difficult at work, but he kept his faith and pride in knowing he's done the best job he can do. It's hard to understand why others would want to mess with the livelihood of such a wonderful person. Darrell is the first to admit that he's not perfect, but he's extremely good at his job  and a genuinely nice person who doesn't deserve what some people have tried to do.

Life can be challenging and stressful. My mom is recovering right now from a two surgeries, resulting from a badly broken leg and my Grandma just had a stroke and is still in the hospital. The season is changing, as is day-to-day life, but there is no one I would rather share these times with. I am so grateful and lucky to have this man in my life!

Elvis 'Give a dog a bone' Rose

My granddaughter is the cutest! I mean it, really, she's the cutest.
She's got bright blue eyes and curly hair and the best personality ever. It is important to Elvis that she's funny and she takes pride in telling the best knock-knock jokes. Her mommy told me she calls her Fozzie Bear, because her jokes are so bad they're funny.
She has done a lot to further the Fozzie moniker by requesting for her "reward", a rubber chicken. The chicken will fit right in with her giant whoopee cushion and a rainbow clown wig she hopes to add to the collection!
Elvis Rose has had a big year.  In June she became a big sister to little Edie Moon, in July she turned 4, which her daddy refers to as '4-nado' - and last week she became a dog owner. Actually, I guess her parents are the ones responsible for the dog, but Elvis is already great with him. They were all here last weekend and she was just getting acquainted with Chief, the 8 week old blue heeler they just added to the  family. As Chief lay on the floor taking a nap Elvis said to me, "Grandma, he's dreaming, he's dreaming that I'm his chew toy." I think she may have been right. I almost forgot to mention, the puppy's full name is Chief Snow Angel. As you may have guessed by the title of this blog, Elvis is especially clever with names!
This week I saw a video of Elvis showing Chief how to maneuver the stairs. She's a good teacher and I think they will be great friends.  I'm amazed at how smart, sweet and helpful Elvis is. She is wise beyond her 4 years, as she often says very insightful things - such as "Its okay, sometimes people just have a bad day." If Elvis is ever naughty (which is a rare occasion) she always follows up with an apology. She has stolen her Papa Darrell's heart in a big way. I've given Darrell a hard time about hogging the granddaughter and he just looks at me and says that God knows he needs her more. They have a very special bond and I asked her once what she loves so much about Papa Darrell and she said "he's funny." I suppose he is. :)
He's always willing to tell a knock-knock joke that makes absolutely no sense, be the horsey she can order around the room, or laugh like a goon as she calls him "Romeo" - an evil villain character from one of her favorite cartoons.
Darrell bought a sign for the house a couple years ago that says 'A grandchild fills a space in your heart that you never knew was empty.'
For us, it is entirely true.
I am so excited for what the upcoming years bring, as Elvis and Edie, and Chief grow up. I can see already what a sweet little crew they are and how much fun they will have together.
And, how much fun we will have with them.

Mom

Mother's Day is tomorrow so I'm thinking extra about my mom right now. I think about her all the time, and talk to her several times a week - but this morning she's just a bit more on my mind.
The other day she told me she fell down and apparently has a black eye and sore ribs. She hadn't gone to the doctor, so I convinced her she should. She's fine, but her blood pressure and sugar were both low so they are adjusting some medications. She told me I worry too much about her.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and that apple has continued it's path beyond me to my kids, who also worry more than they should.
Back to Mom. She's awesome.
My mom is so kind and so funny. She does the silliest things sometimes. She sees people or animals  in her Cheetos and takes pictures of them! Not just a dog or a person, but intricate relationships appear in her Cheetos. She'll see a man and woman holding hands, a woman rocking a baby, two children playing or a person walking a dog. Sometimes she mails these Cheeple to my kids, who truly appreciate this quirky little habit of their Grandma Rose. We were all really disappointed when we realized we'd missed out on the contest Cheetos had, because we know Mom would have won.

Mom often takes pictures of the deer that hang out in her yard. She takes pictures of the night sky, rainbows, dust storms and pictures. Yes, sometimes she takes pictures of pictures. Mom notices things the rest of us miss and she photographs them to share with us. I love this about her.

Mom also takes a lot of pictures of the people she loves and she prints them out for anyone who wants a copy. This particular hobby is extremely sweet and shows her generosity, as ink and paper aren't free but she keeps a supply at all times.

Several times mom has gone through her old photos and made copies of the ones of people she went to school with, to send to their children.

Mom and her sisters used to go on a "sister trip" every fall. Of course there were lots of pictures taken and once mom had made copies for everyone she would often create collages. She would spend hours cutting out and gluing and then getting copies of the collages for us. I was recently given one, which I'm taking a picture of to show you!

My mom had 5 children; Brad, Joan, Carol, Nancy (me) and Joel. She raised us well and taught us to be kind and decent. She's shown us to be strong and thoughtful. We all know a lot of things about our mom - we know about her Cheetos, her picture taking, her sometimes naughty sense of humor. We know the stories of her childhood and we know how much she means to us.

There are things we don't know. We don't know what it's like to be 85 years old and living alone. We don't know how it feels to lose a child, a grandchild, or a spouse. Mom has been through a lot in her life. When she was just 12 years old her dad died and only 6 years later she lost her mom. In the summer of 1973 she lost her son and grandson in a horrific accident caused by a drunk driver. In 1986 when she was only 54 years old she lost our dad suddenly to a massive coronary. Mom's brothers both died in the early 1980s and in the past 4 years she has lost 2 sisters, leaving only one. The sister trips have now changed to Mom visiting Aunt Sunny in Tacoma. She looks forward to these trips and they have a great time together, although I know they are missing Aunt Marie and Aunt Elene.

As I sit here thinking about Mom I just feel so grateful. I'm grateful that I don't understand what it's like to lose a mother and I pray I won't for many years to come. I feel lucky and happy and very amused at the things my mom says and does. She is truly the best and I love her so much that I look forward to her reading me the television schedule when there's not much else to say.

Happy Mother's Day Mom. I love you.

Look to the Stars

Last night I watched the Screen Actors Guild Awards show. I knew I would wake up to the Facebook comments this morning about celebrities being out of touch and so on and so forth.
This has been on my mind since Meryl Streep spoke out and was called over-rated by Trump. During the Women's Marches I read countless remarks about the celebrities - such as "who cares what they think?"

Here's what I think. They are citizens of this country, they are members of this human race. What they have to say is just as important as any of us spouting our opinions on Facebook and other social media. They just happen to be in a position where more people will hear them - and guess who put them in that position? We did. We made them famous.
Do you watch television, go to the movies, buy magazines? You made them famous and you made their voices more prominent than your own.
I care what they think, just like I care what the rest of the country thinks, what the rest of the world thinks.

Someone said this morning that they have equal pay. How do you know? I am sure there is the same inequality in pay in Hollywood as we encounter in our own lives, whether it is due to color or gender or something else.  Sure, there is a big difference in the size of their checks compared to ours, but again, we did that.

By the way - if you don't care what celebrities think, why did you elect one?

"The yellow-haired Trump. We don't like him."

My Facebook feed is full of almost nothing but shared articles right now. I suppose this is true for a lot of people, but it used to be unusual for me. It feels like there's nothing personal going on, but truly it is extremely personal for me and so many others. I'm no political expert, but I instinctively have always leaned toward having views more in keeping with the liberal side of things. I have never voted for a Republican for President. I'm not saying I never would - but I've always preferred the Democratic candidates. This has been a tough year.

After the election I felt guilty. I felt guilty for not being more open with my own feelings and using my own words. I realize I wouldn't have changed any minds. I can tell that even my closest friends who are on the other side of things seem to be staunchly on the other side of things. Anyway - it would have only mattered if I could have changed the minds of the electorates, given the outcome of the popular vote.
I should mention - after the election I was also very angry. I'm still angry but it's less focused on the people who voted Trump in and more focused on what is happening now.

So here we are with a new President who comes in with the lowest approval rating ever. EVER. I've had a lot of people, even relatives posting things telling us to GET OVER IT. I capitalized that because that is how it has been put out there. I'm going to let you in on a little secret - you also won't change my mind. We will just have to agree to disagree.

I do ask one thing of my friends. If, as Trump continues to attack civil rights, women's rights, human decency - if you should decide that you regret your vote, please don't let pride (or your hatred of Hillary) keep you from admitting it and speaking out. We can't let him destroy our country. We can't let him turn us against each other. We can't allow him to undermine the news. Please don't let this man go down in history as the new normal for a leader. Speak out and be honest without trying to justify his win by deflecting on how we didn't have a good candidate.

I have a lot of friends who disagree with me completely, and to be honest, I probably unfollowed them a long time ago. For the most part it's been fine. I stay off their posts and they stay off mine. There have been a few who have come after me on my Facebook page. So, here's the thing. If you sent me a friend request, after having no communication with me for say, 40 years, what was your motivation? I try to be polite in life and I don't like to hurt people's feelings so when I get a friend request from someone who is not really a friend I have to sort of weigh it. If I've never heard of the person I just click that X, but if I thought they were nice when I was a kid, or I worked with them, or if we interacted on a support forum...well, sometimes I go ahead and approve the request. So, here we are, friends on Facebook and I post something you don't like.... why, if you thought enough of me to be my "friend"... why do you choose to jump on my post with some negative and insulting comment? Why is it necessary for you to deflect and try to argue with me on my post? That is not what a real friend does.

I don't do this to my friends. If my right-leaning friends post things I don't like or find honestly, offensive or insulting I unfollow or just scroll on by. This is how I handle it.

It's not just the right-wing stuff I don't like, I have had to unfollow some Democrat and Liberal pages that somehow got into my feed because I don't trust them.
I've seen some pretty awful things on my friends pages over the past 8 years, and especially over the past year. I ignored them. Don't get me wrong - they caused me some pain.
Realizing your friends see things completely opposite of how you see them can be disheartening. They think they're right. I think I'm right. I ponder how we can be so different and still be so connected emotionally - but I know we are still friends and I hope that never changes.

I've read posts about giving Trump a chance. What does that mean? Does that mean sit back and be quiet and see what it's like 4 years from now? Seriously, I don't understand. He is already doing the things we feared - the time to speak up is now. He has shown us and is still showing us who he is. 

I see where people say they don't particularly like him either, but just accept it. We can't. We can't. 

I think the Women's March was amazing. On the day of the march - I was still so upset over the inauguration that I changed my profile picture on Facebook to a black box. I felt so depressed, hopeless, disappointed and irrelevant. I sat on my couch feeling hopeless all day while others were making a real statement. My daughter marched in Seattle and I'm so proud of her. She shared her pride and elation after she marched and I could hear in her voice how much better she felt. This is the kind of activism that can and has created change.

I wish it didn't have to be this way - I wish we could all be on the same page, or at least have a President who we could all accept. I'm struggling to put this into words, which is why I don't post my own thoughts on it very often.  Trump is a racist - he has proven it by his words and actions, so yes speaking up for people of color and protecting their rights is imperative. Trump is a misogynist, so protecting women's rights is also something we must fight for. Trump is a lot of things, but one thing he is not is presidential. 

Yes, we are all humans, but there are many different groups within that broad description and there is  not equality. People who don't seem to understand why we need to march for women's rights are usually white -  and yes, privileged because of that. They are comfortably middle-class and haven't had to worry about their health insurance. I know this isn't true of every Trump supporter, but it is true for a lot of people in my circle of friends. I ask them to think of others, to think of my daughter, my mother, the millions who will be hurt by Trump's policies.

That is why we protest. We protest not just by marching, but by not being afraid to speak up. For two weeks now I've had Tom Petty's voice in my head whenever I log in to Facebook and someone says to get over it. I won't back down. I won't be afraid any longer of losing friends because of my values and beliefs. The ones who love me will not leave me.